Darkness and Light

joellePonderingsLeave a Comment

There is a darkness inside of me. There’s a mean voice inside my head that I can’t quiet. It picks me apart and whispers in my ear all of those things others might see. “You talk too much. You look like you can’t handle your life, others can tell you aren’t in control. People think you’re stupid. She’s not really your friend, she doesn’t care about you”
I’m angry. I feel betrayed and used by certain people. I feel like there are a few people who have done me or those I love, very wrong. I want to hurt those people back.
I’m sad because I don’t want to feel any of the things I just told you. I’m sad because that’s not the person I want to be.
I’m hopeful and confident that I can be kind. I can be helpful, useful and smart (even if I have moments of anger, laziness, defeat, and stupidity).
I can be the things I want to raise my children to be! I can be gentle, patient, and in control of my words. I can love myself unconditionally. I can be a problem solver (not the throat punching kind) and try to fix broken relationships. I can let go instead of trying to fix things that aren’t worth holding on to (maybe some of those relationships that make me want to throat punch a bitch).
The thing is, I need to focus on my successes. I need to look for the light in myself… and the light in others.
I had an “ah ha!!” moment the other day. I was angry because I was talking to a friend who was speaking highly of a person who has hurt me badly. I wanted to tell my friend how awful this person is.
But just because this person hurt me terribly, it doesn’t make them a bad person. This person who hurt me, they’re kind to others, they’re a good parent, they’re not evil and I don’t need to make the rest of the world aware of their short comings. This person hurt me, not everyone else. I’ve probably hurt people without meaning to (and maybe some I did mean to) but I wouldn’t want hate and spite being spread about me.
If I can forgive my own darkness, if I can forgive the darkness in others, maybe I can help bring light into this world. Maybe forgiveness is something we, as a collective, have been missing. Perhaps by forgiving others and, most importantly, ourselves we can help to make the places we live better.
I want to see the light. In myself, in you, in my children and in the world.

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